I love my master. Wait. Let me start over. Master is an inappropriate term on so many levels, so I’ll put it this way: I have great admiration for that guy who feeds me three times a day and pitches me a few treats in between and had the foresight to provide for me three wondrously comfortable beds where I can spend my days and nights enjoying one of my favorite pastimes: sleeping – and dreaming wistfully of the next morsel of food that comes my way.
But as much as I adore my provider of room, board and heavenly back and head scratching, I must admit that some of the ideas he comes up with are, shall we say, strange. Bizarre might be a better description of some of the things that emerge with breathtaking recklessness from his tiny human brain.
Let me explain. A few weeks ago, he wakes me from a sound and superlative nap – I think I was dreaming of those tasty little lamb chips – to inform me that April is Active Dog Month. I’m supposed to be excited about a weird celebration that was obviously concocted by some weak-minded human who imprudently cornered the market on frisbees and was desperately seeking a way to survive his entrepreneurial disaster?
So what’s the big deal with Active Dog Month? What are we supposed to be doing to commemorate these 30 days of unbridled jubilation? According to the internet, the capricious source for all things true and false – you were thinking I am unable to do digital research because I don’t have discernable fingers? – April is a great time for a never-ending variety of dog and human experiences designed specifically to interrupt my naptime and keep my face out of my dog dish. Here are some of the conspiracy theories I uncovered.
Exercise is necessary to boost a dog’s mood and health, and dogs who don’t get the proper amount of activity can develop lethargy – OK. Let’s tell it like it is. Sleeping wrapped in a warm blanket in front of a warmer fireplace with a human who adores you might look resemble lethargy – but it’s more like nirvana.
Exercise provides mental stimulation – Like I need that. How many dogs do you know who can write a 550-word essay? End of story.
Exercise helps counteract behavioral problems – Tearing a $15 toy to shreds or scratching the living daylights out of a brand-new rug are commonly accepted practices for dachshunds. It’s what we do. And barking incessantly? If someone opens their car door three blocks away, I need to provide my humans with that information. They understand; they know I am simply protecting my pack.
Exercise helps dogs sleep better – I don’t need any assistance with this one. My research indicates that adult dogs – I’m 9 years old, which would put me somewhere in my mid-60s if you consider dog years – need 12 to 14 hours of sleep a day. There’s three good places for me to nap in this house, counting our ginormous couch, and I take advantage of all of them on a daily basis.
So there you have it, dog lovers. Other than protecting you from harm, your canine pal’s only required pastimes are eating, sleeping, playing and looking cute – and that other thing that, for dachshunds like me, involves squatting and scrunching. Does that mean a National Doggie Poop Day is on the horizon? Well, that’s already a thing for you humans. Maybe dogs need one as well.
By J. Bean
