Talking to kids about divorce
By Jenny Peterson
Few conversations feel heavier for a parent than telling a child their family is changing.
No matter how common divorce has become, hearing “Mom and Dad are getting divorced” can feel like the ground shifting beneath a child’s feet. Even with books, TV shows and open conversations around separation, kids often experience the news as confusing, scary and deeply personal.
Their first thoughts are rarely about legal details or adult problems. Instead, they wonder: What will happen to me? Where will I live? Will I still see both of you? Is this my fault?
Telling Kids About Divorce
Therapists say the most important thing parents can do is keep the message simple, clear and united.
“The best way to tell your kids about a divorce is for both parents to be on the same page about what the future will look like, especially where each parent will live,” said Rebecca Hall, a licensed professional counselor associate with Empowered Family in Mount Pleasant.
Before sitting down for the conversation, parents should prepare for the most common questions. Even if every detail is not finalized, children need reassurance that adults are thinking ahead.
“Even if the answer is, ‘We aren’t quite sure yet, but we will always make those big decisions with your best interest in mind,’” Hall said.
Danielle Baez, a licensed therapist with Summerville-based Carolina Grace Boutique Care & Counseling says children need to hear that while the family structure is changing, they are not losing their family.
“You’re not losing your parents. Mom and dad are both here for you,” Baez said.
In homes where there has been a lot of tension, some children may even feel relief after the separation.
For younger children, visual tools can help. Baez often uses coloring activities where kids draw what their family looks like now and what it may look like after divorce.
“They can draw what their schedules might look like and the different things they’ll do with each parent,” she said. “Keeping it simple and predictable helps kids feel more secure.”
Honesty matters, too, but it should be age-appropriate.
“Knowing how honest to be can be a tricky balance, especially with older children who will have more questions,” Hall said. “Children are more intuitive than we give them credit for.”
The No-Blame Game
One of the biggest mistakes parents make is pulling children into the reasons behind the divorce.
Even when there is anger or betrayal between adults, therapists strongly warn against assigning blame.
“Parents should resist the urge to say things like, ‘Your dad is the one who wanted the divorce,’ or ‘Your mom is the reason this happened,’” Baez said. “Don’t pull kids into adult problems or details.”
Instead, the focus should stay on reassurance: this is not the child’s fault, and both parents still love them.
Children exposed to conflict often internalize it. They may quietly wonder if something they did caused the split.
“Kids often start to wonder, ‘maybe if I had done something differently, this wouldn’t be happening,’’” Baez said.
That’s why parents must be careful not only during the first conversation, but in the weeks and months that follow.
“Parents need strong boundaries,” Baez said. “Kids should never be put in the middle or exposed to one parent’s feeling about the other.”
This applies to grandparents and extended family, too.
Baez encourages grandparents to redirect children back to their parents if difficult questions arise.
“If they’re asking about things you aren’t comfortable saying, respond with, ‘Let’s talk with Mom,’ or ‘Let’s talk with Dad,’” she said. “It keeps the message consistent and protects the child from mixed or confusing information.”
Hall recommends what she calls a “child filter” — a rule that adults do not discuss divorce details within earshot of little ears.
“If it is too difficult to communicate amicably with your co-parent, stick with polite, business-style communication, set boundaries and minimize contact if possible,” Hall said.
Let Them Feel It
Children may respond to divorce with anger, sadness, confusion, anxiety — or sometimes relief.
“Holding space for your child to express their feelings will go much further than becoming defensive,” Hall said.
Play therapy is especially helpful for younger children, typically ages 3 to 10, because play is how they process emotions. A therapist like Hall can create a safe, neutral place where children can work through fear, anger and anxiety without feeling caught in the middle.
Additional therapy can be especially important if parents notice symptoms in their children including intense outbursts, school struggles, withdrawal, regression like bed-wetting or physical signs of anxiety like headaches and stomachaches.
But even without therapy, the foundation remains the same: consistency, presence and emotional availability.
“One of the biggest misconceptions is that divorce itself is what harms children,” Baez said. “It’s the environment around the divorce — how parents communicate, manage conflict and show up — that matters most.”
Supporting Kids After Divorce
Kids need parents who still show up. To pose together in a photo after a game, even when they are no longer together.
To help parents find their strength, Hall suggests they find their own support systems.
“Divorce is devastating, so taking care of your own mental health is critical,” Hall said.
