Showing kindness to a family member, friend or coworker may come easily. We might agree to chair a fundraising event or help a friend organize their household belongings for a yard sale; or we may find ourselves driving to the airport at midnight to pick up a friend before a busy day of work.
For some people however, there is a constant need to be a people pleaser, and that need can take a toll. “Compassion for others can be quite wonderful, but like all types of responses, it easily slips out of balance when it’s done out of fear for ourselves or others,” explained Brooke Hill, LPC, of Renew Holistic Therapy.
Jacquie Atkins, MS, LPC, owner of Anchors of Hope Counseling Center, described some common signs that might appear when pleasing others may have moved into harmful territory.
“People pleasers may hardly express any criticism or disagree with others because they do not want to make others feel angry or embarrassed,” she said.
“They may need constant reassurance from another individual to feel secure in the relationship,” Atkins added. “They may think other people would only like them if they continue to meet their needs, sometimes apologizing to other people even if it is not always their fault.”
People pleasing can also lead to risky behavior. “A people pleaser may have a tendency to align their attitudes, beliefs and behaviors with people around them even at the detriment to themselves,” explained Atkins.
According to Justin Plant, LISW-CP, a behavioral health therapist at Bon Secours St. Francis health system, pleasing others may negatively impact someone’s physical or mental health.
“A person may become more irritable, cynical or more critical of themselves,” he said. “They may exhibit signs of physical or mental fatigue, becoming more isolated, pulling away from hobbies and other activities of interest.”
It’s hard to pinpoint the reasons that lead to people pleasing behavior. “There may be external factors, such as a social anxiety disorder, or internal factors, such as a need for perfectionism,” Plant explained. “Prior trauma, abuse or neglect can sometimes lead to avoiding confrontation or trying to please.”
“There may also be cultural or societal influences that reinforce self-sacrifice,” added Plant. In certain environments, someone may simply feel that caregiving and people pleasing is their role.
Fortunately, it is often possible for someone to break the cycle of people pleasing when it becomes unhealthy. Tracy Wright, MS, LPC, of Tracy Wright Counseling in Charleston, believes a person should first check in with their body. “It is important to recognize that feelings are not facts,” stated Wright. “Sit for a minute when someone asks for something and think about whether it should be a priority, and how it makes you feel. It’s important to take time to process your feelings.”
Taking a step back not only allows someone to truly understand how they are responding to a certain person in their lives, but it also gives them time to consider altering the negative behavior. “A delay can help break the habit of automatically saying yes and gives time to consider what you truly want,” noted Atkins. “A delay gives you space to consider all factors like current commitments, energy levels and your goals and priorities.”
Atkins suggested several other strategies that may help: “Practice saying ‘no.’ While saying ‘yes’ can feel like an automatic response, recognize it is okay to prioritize your own needs,” she said.
Plant believes that setting boundaries can provide much needed support to people pleasers. “A person should not feel guilt or shame when they set boundaries,” he said. “You are setting boundaries for yourself, not for the other person.”
Another way to take a pause and evaluate your actions is through intentional reflection. “Some people use a journal to help process their emotions,” Plant said. “Ask yourself how you handled a situation and whether your emotions line up with what actually happened.”
Wright acknowledged that the weight of this constant need to please can be heavy. “Consistent people pleasing behaviors can lead to resentment, overwhelming stress and ultimately a lack of connection with the other person,” she said.
Many providers suggest that therapy can play an important role in identifying the causes and possible remedies for unsafe people pleasing. Hill noted that she works with a few treatment modalities to identify and shift the underlying fear patterns at play. “When we genuinely change the pattern, the behavior pattern shifts naturally and sustainably,” she said. “As a result, caring for others can be freely given and feel more energizing again.”
Tips for recognizing when you’re being taken advantage of:
- Pay attention to your feelings—if something doesn’t feel right or you sense that you’re being used, trust your instincts.
- Listen to the words and phrases the person uses. Do they criticize, judge or blame you?
- Pay attention to their body language.
- Reflect on your emotions after the conversation. Are you often anxious, stressed or unhappy after interacting with this person?
Tips for preparing yourself for rejection:
- Understand that rejection is a normal part of life and doesn’t define your worth as a person.
- Recognize that not everyone will agree with you, support your choices or appreciate your boundaries.
- Concentrate on what you can control, such as your actions, choices and responses.
- Build emotional resilience by developing coping strategies for handling rejection.
Source: Jacquie Atkins, MS, LPC, owner of Anchors of Hope Counseling Center
By Lisa Wack
